


The Love Letter

by imnotbuck



Series: Reduce, Re-use, Reboot [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Gangsters, Blood and Violence, Gang Violence, Gun Violence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, POV First Person, Stockholm Syndrome, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 08:13:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14733251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotbuck/pseuds/imnotbuck
Summary: “Keep your eyes closed.” That’s what he told me. “Keep your eyes closed.” That’s what I did. “Keep your eyes closed.” That’s what I promised. “You don’t want to see this.” That’s what he knew.





	The Love Letter

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with another reboot of an old fic! It's very dark and different than what I usually do, but it's always been one of my favourites so I hope you enjoy

_ “Keep your eyes closed.”  _ That’s what he told me.  _ “Keep your eyes closed.”  _ That’s what I did.  _ “Keep your eyes closed.”  _ That’s what I promised.  _ “You don’t want to see this.”  _ That’s what he knew. 

  


But keeping my eyes closed couldn’t have stopped me from hearing it. The shots that were fired, the sound of a round of bullets being emptied, his ‘love letters’ being delivered. The screams and shouts of people around that were there to witness and to help, the sounds of people running to get out of the crossfire. 

  


The sounds of my lover destroying the pitiful world that we existed in. 

  


Though it didn’t help much I knew that he was trying to protect me, my eyes that were believed to be innocent. That was why I stood beside him with my eyes shut tightly in order to ease his worry, as though it blocked out everything else. He was trying his best for me. 

  


I never went against anything that he said, not ever. Not because I was scared of him, but because I loved him that much. He knew what was best for me and he knew how to give such things to me. I would never go against him- the guilt ridden love of my life. 

  


-

  


“Why do you call them love letters?” I asked him as he reloaded the silver gun. He took a few minutes to answer as he needed to focus. 

  


“I was wondering when you’d get curious,” his voice had the tiniest trace of amusement mixed with something unidentifiable. 

  


“I’ve just heard you say it so many times,” I said. I watched as he stood up and moved over to sit in front of me on the bed, the gun resting between us. 

  


“Love and hate are kin to each other. If I hate someone- I’d want them to know, hmm?” he stroked my hair gently as if to coax me into understanding. I always loved the feeling of his hands on me, skin against skin. “A letter is given out when you want someone to know something. The bullets that fly out of this gun are my letters that tell people  _ exactly  _ how I feel about them. That’s the main reason.”

  


I understood him more than I thought I would. He was clear but distant in his explanation, every word was chosen perfectly. That was always how he was with me; answering my questions and explaining until I understood him fully. 

  


He was perfect like that. 

  


“A bullet is known for being something ugly. I don’t want these to be considered ugly or wrong.” He looked at me, eyes begging. “It’s not ugly- right? What I do with them, it’s not ugly, right? You aren’t afraid of me, are you?”

  


“Of course not. It’s not ugly.”

  


Though he was older than me and much tougher, deep down he would always be a child in need of reassurance. I knew that by then. He needed me to tell him that what he was doing wasn’t frightening or ugly or bad. He needed me. 

  


I was the person who held the gun in my hands, the one whose finger was on the trigger and waiting for the signal to shoot. 

  


“You understand it. I don’t do it because I want to.”

  


“You have to,” I whispered gently against the darkness in the room. He smiled and pressed himself against me, the cold metal of the gun pressing against my abdomen. 

  


If it made him feel safer, it made me feel safer. 

  


If he needed it, I needed it. 

  


His rough lips fell against mine and my arms locked around his neck on pure instinct. It was the pattern that we’d both created and that only we understood. At that time I was so sure that nothing could’ve broken it. Nothing could’ve stolen that small paradise that we had created. 

  


Though time could make it rot and decay, we would always stand in the same spot together. Him with the gun aimed and I by his side with my eyes shut tightly. It would always remain that way because that was what I knew as correct; the only way.

  


He nipped at my bottom lip and moved the gun away from me, opting to take me in his arms instead. In a way I was both the gun and the sniper. 

  


When he held me in his hands I became the gun that gave the white hot pain of retribution; when I held him in mine I was the sniper shooting at the target. 

  


Neither of us ever missed.

  


-

  


I had, by that point, grown used to the change in him. When he was with me he seemed almost innocent and nearly fragile, exhausted. When it came down to being in front of others, to business, he was cruel and unforgiving. 

  


“Take care of it,” he said angrily as he glared at the man before him. I knew very few of his team, but I knew that the man was Scott.

  


“Things are getting difficult again. They have more firepower than we do,” Scott seemed almost nervous. In front of my lover even the worst criminal in the world would’ve been nervous. “They’re more secure than we thought.”

  


“There’s always a way in. Everyone has their weak points.” Everyone except him. “Find theirs and work your way in. I want Fury’s head.” 

  


“I’ll do what I can,” Scott said and left the room in a hurry. Scott was one of the few members of his team that I knew; he was a man with a heart, regardless of his career choice. My lover took a liking to him because of that and treated him well. 

  


I was sitting on his lap- both of our favourite place for me. I prefered to sit in his lap because then I could be close to him. I could be near him and feel his delicious warmth all around me, hear his orders loud and clear. It was almost intoxicating.

  


For me to be right there with him was a privilege that no one else besides me was allowed to have. He was mine and I his- it was understood. 

  


But I did not try to control him nor did I have to. He respected me and never did anything to hurt me; he lived to protect the thing that was his. I was no longer a person anymore- I was his to own and possess. I was happy like that. So very happy. 

  


I wanted it to last forever but I knew differently. He had told me not to hope for a tomorrow. Nothing was ever definite. 

  


That was what he knew, that was I needed to learn.

  


-

  


“The Winter Soldier is a coward hiding behind a mask. He has done nothing but corrupt our streets even more and terrorize the lives of those in our community. We do not consider him an ally but an enemy that we will firmly hand justice to!” 

  


The people on the screen were always wrong. I had told him that time and time again; those people didn’t understand him. They were wrong and their words meant less than nothing. 

  


Regardless, he still listened to their constant slandering of his good name. I could not stand to hear it anymore. I got up and shut off the television so that their words were finally silenced. 

  


“They’re wrong,” I murmured as I knelt down by his side. “What they say is wrong. Don’t listen to them.” 

  


“They’re right,” his voice was emotionless but still managed to be horribly sad. “That’s really all I am.” 

  


“No! All of that is out of spite. You’re doing what they can’t; taking dangerous people off of the street.” He looked up at me with an odd expression ghosting over his features. 

  


“Steve,” he said breathily. “We both know that they’re not wrong.” 

  


“Don’t say things like that, Buck. It’s really not like that. They can only look at things from one point of view and it’s not the right one. They don’t understand.” 

  


He laughed without a trace of humour. “I’m a horrible person,” he said. “I know it and they know it, I’m afraid of the day you’ll realize it too.”

  


He wasn’t a bad man, the things he had to do weren’t done by choice.  Bucky wasn’t like that. It was not his fault, it was everyone else that was the problem. They didn’t understand him and didn’t want to; all that they could see was the so called ‘bad’ side. Bucky wasn’t that kind of person. 

  


My Bucky was not a monster nor was he a criminal. He was a man that took care of the things that his father had given him to do. His father had left the entire business behind for him and he could not abandon it.

  


His career was the family business. 

  


It was the world that didn’t understand him. They didn’t know that underneath that tough facade rested a broken child, a child torn apart by war and cruelty. Everyone had failed him and he had been left to do everything on his own without a helping hand to aid him. 

  


My angel, my love, my only friend, would never be wronged again. He was perfect in every way- not a single flaw in his entire being. He did not deserve to be discarded and then hunted down by the very society that had failed and misjudged him. 

  


He did not deserve the hand that fate had dealt him. 

  


“You’re not, Bucky. You’re not a horrible person- you’re the opposite. You’re perfect and you’re not what they say you are. Don’t give them any of your attention because they don’t deserve it.” 

  


“I love you, Stevie.” His words managed to make my heart thump against the hollow case that was my chest. He took me in his arms and brought me against his chest, littering the expanse of my neck with butterfly kisses. Though they were softer than anything I’d ever felt I could feel how desperate he was. 

  


“I love you too.” 

  


Loving him was something that had happened easily and had burned a brand onto my body, claiming me as his forever. I would never be able to give up that love that I clung to. Even if he had given me up at that time I would’ve been happy. His happiness was my happiness. 

  


Would it always be that way? I prayed to whichever God had decided to look down on our poor souls that the answer would be yes. 

  


Bucky’s lips pressed against my own and pushed until I gave in, allowing him to take control of me. There was no gun separating us that time, only the confines of expensive fabric. The layers between our heated skin soon became too much for both of us and I whined until he undressed us both. 

  


I had an intense hatred for the scars that littered his skin. Though they were not the harsh red or pink they once were, they still existed in a place that they didn’t belong. His beautiful body had been tarnished by the people that did not understand.

  


I knew that the world was harsh and that he had become hardened by the very scars that I detested but I also knew that there were pieces of him that were still untouched by the outsiders. Those pieces were the places that our love existed in. 

  


Without those pieces my Bucky would not have been human. He would have turned out like the people before him, the real monsters. But he was not them; he was my sweet lover despite everything else and nothing could change that.

  


-

  


I first met him when we were children. Bucky found me on the street outside of my latest group home when I was thirteen and he was fifteen. I was contemplating running away again even though I had nowhere to run to, and Bucky ran into me. He saved me that day; he brought me home with him and hid me from his father, keeping me safe from the outside world and hoarding me away like a treasured toy. Once his father found me he fought to keep me, and I became his responsibility.

  


He kept me, his broken toy, under his wing. Like caring for a bird that was unable to fly he nurtured me and nursed me back to health. In his eyes there was no rough emotion or need to control, only sympathy. 

  


Bucky kept me safe from the rest of the world and even ended up giving me the most important thing to a man like him: his name. 

  


I became Steve Barnes shortly after he decided to keep me by his side instead of anyone else. It was an honour to be his lover and something I would always treasure. Bucky made sure that I had the best of everything just like he did. 

  


In his world I was equal to him. In my world he was the angel that had saved me from a nightmare that was never meant to be mine. 

  


The intensity of a love such as ours was unparalleled to anything that the world had to offer. 

  


-

  


I was sitting by the window when it happened. When the bullets came searching for me.

  


The sun was high up in the sky, it’s golden rays shining down on the world. I always enjoyed watching the morning sun rise and illuminate the world that was usually so dim. It was brightest when it first came out and only got darker as the day dragged on. 

  


Glass shattered around me and I knew that one of the large windows had been destroyed. 

  


“Steve!” Bucky shouted and ran to me, yanking me down to the ground. But his movements were a fraction of a second too late. I shrieked as a white hot pain exploded in my arm. He grabbed the gun that was permanently attached to his belt and sat up slightly higher, getting into a sniper like position and shooting out the window. 

  


It was too late- the person that had come was already gone. 

  


I pressed my hand to my bleeding arm and attempted to stop the flow of crimson. I had seen him hurt enough to know that applying pressure to the wound would help. It hurt like hell but I knew it would be worth it in the end. 

  


“Steve,” he gasped and looked at my face, eyes searching for something that wasn’t there. “Oh God Steve you’re bleeding,” he cursed and picked me up, carrying me from our room that was suddenly an unsafe place. 

  


For some reason I had never thought that the safety of our bedroom would ever be in question. It was the one place that I claimed as my own, wanting only that place. I was foolish back then. 

  


Bucky brought me to the only room that could be safe; the bathroom that had no windows and a solid steel door that he locked as soon as we stepped inside. 

  


“Baby,” his voice was only a pained whisper. I knew that he was hurting more than I was. 

  


“It’s okay. I’m fine.” I needed him to believe me so that he wouldn’t lose his mind. It reminded me of a time that I had accidentally cut myself while I was cooking and he nearly killed someone. I knew why he acted that way; after he’d first taken me in he’d promised that I would never hurt again. 

  


Promises were easily broken. 

  


“Let me see it.” I moved my hand without hesitation and he carefully removed my shirt that was covered in blood. I watched his face for any signs of further distress that would tell me how bad it was. “It didn’t go in very deep.” 

  


“I got lucky.”

  


“Lucky? Steve you got  _ shot.  _ How is that lucky?” 

  


“At least I didn’t die.” 

  


He nodded grimly. It was usually my job to be his light in those situations, to make him see that things could’ve always been worse. For him me being injured was the worst thing in the world- I felt the exact same way about him. 

  


“I’m going to take it out now. But please, baby  _ please _ , if it hurts too badly don’t hesitate to take it out on me. Hit me or scream at me- do anything to distract yourself from the pain.”

  


He knew that I wouldn’t do that. We both knew that I could never raise my voice to him nor could I strike him down. I lived for him and harming the person I lived for didn’t make sense. I could only sit there and hold in the pain that lingered inside of me so that he wouldn’t be frightened. 

  


“Close your eyes.” And so I did.

  


After years of practice, Bucky had gotten to be very skilled at dealing with injuries. He moved without a single mistake and made short work of the bullet in my arm. Again I felt like a broken toy. But it was different then; instead of being used and discarded, I was being patched up so that I could be whole again. He was not hurting me, he was helping me. 

  


It was often like that. I would be present for things that he wasn’t entirely thrilled about me being there for, but in order to keep the horrifying images out of my mind, my eyes would be shut tightly. If he told me to close my eyes I would always do so.

  


When he was finished, Bucky wrapped me in his arms and apologized over and over again. He had believed it was his fault. I knew that it wasn’t. Nothing that had happened to me was of his doing; he would never hurt me. He lived to protect me- it wasn’t his fault. 

  


We both had the world to blame.

  


It was that day that we moved out of the house that I had loved so much, that we had created memories in. The safe house was moved and so was the entire operation. It only reminded me of how easily everything could be changed or taken away. 

  


-

  


_ “When things are scary or difficult, just close your eyes. It can block the world out for a short time and you can escape it. Just close your eyes Steve. You’ll see me there because I see you. You be my escape and I’ll be yours, okay? Close your eyes and you can shut everything else out, it will get better then.” _

  


It was one of the only pieces of solid advice that he had ever given me and I held onto it for that very reason. I liked to believe that he lived by that idea; sometimes when he was facing something difficult- a decision or something else- he would close his eyes for a short time. He closed the world out for a few miniscule moments.

  


I wondered where he went during that time, if he saw me like he had said before. When I closed my eyes I saw him smiling at me. I always would because that was what I wanted to see; my lover happy. 

  


A genuine smile was a rarity for him. I couldn’t blame him for that, even now I can’t. Growing up in the world he was raised it made it hard for him to have happiness. That was, if he had any at all. 

  


-

  


Walking through the corridors of the large house that he had bought was one of my favourite things to do. I had wanted to get to know the place as soon as possible so that I could make it feel like home. I walked by the conference room that had it’s door slightly ajar and stopped due to the words that I heard. 

  


“This is the man that you were asking for. The one who shot Steve.” I peered through the door and saw a man kneeling before my lover. Bucky glared down at him and pointed the gun at his forehead. 

  


“You’re the one who shot  _ my  _ Steve? You dared to harm someone who’s better than you?” I had never heard him sound so angry in my entire life. His tone raised all of the tiny hairs on my body. 

  


“Yes.” The man sounded much too cocky. Bucky hated people who were cocky in the face of danger and they only made him angrier. 

  


“He is a sniper that works for the Shield,” Scott said.

  


“Sent by Shield? I guess there’s a lot of belief in you. You must think you're hot shit,” Bucky scoffed. “You made a mistake going after what's mine.”

  


“You are a menace to society-” Bucky pressed his gun against the man’s forehead and I knew that he was not playing around. Bucky never played around when it came to business. 

  


“How about I show Shield what I think of this little stunt?” 

  


“Bucky!” I shouted and ran in. I had forgotten what I was wearing: only one of his large shirts that just barely reached my thighs and nothing else. I never bothered to change out of what I was comfortable in. All of the guards looked away from me, knowing that looking at such a display would be dangerous for them. “Don’t kill him.”

  


“Sweetheart,” he murmured. “I have to. He hurt you and can’t get away with doing that.” 

  


“I’m fine now. Please don’t.” I knew that I was creating trouble for him by making him delay in handing out a punishment but I was desperate at that point. Having him kill someone because of me wasn’t something that I wanted. It was almost the same as me pulling the trigger myself. 

  


“We can’t take chances Steve.”

  


“Bucky.” But no amount of begging could ever change his mind. 

  


“Close your eyes.” 

  


I did exactly as he asked and felt him pulling me behind him in order to keep me away from the spray of blood that was about to begin. I buried my face in his back and tried my best to ignore the noises that would haunt me for the rest of my life. 

  


Four bullets left the gun that day, all of them hitting the man that had attempted to harm me days before. Bucky never missed and never would. Hitting the target had been in his blood since birth. 

  


I heard the slump of the sniper’s body hitting the ground; the shackles that bound his wrists together clanging noisily against the hard ground. 

  


Bucky was not a bad man. He was not evil or a monster or what the world painted him to be. My Bucky was not that person. No matter what I believed in him. I believed in him until the end and my mind would never change. 

  


My angel, my lover, had killed one of Shield’s private guards because of me. He had murdered someone that worked for of the biggest intelligence agencies in the country for me. We had both known that there would be a price to pay for his actions. 

  


I never expected it to happen so soon.

  


-

  


The water was warm against my skin and it parted as I sat down in the large bathtub. I knew that something was wrong when Bucky knelt beside the tub and grabbed a sponge that was carefully lathered with soap. He ran the sponge up and down my arms, across my body. 

  


The only time he had ever washed me was when I had first arrived and was too terrified to even move. He had whispered comforting things as he washed the dirt and blood off of me, just like as he was doing then. 

  


His hands roamed my skin as he continued to cover my body in soap. It was the gentle motions that got to me first. Though he had always been gentle with me that kind of gentleness was not common for us. I was scared of what his gentleness implied. 

  


“Bucky?” I asked cautiously. I would not usually question his actions but at that time I couldn’t help myself. He, as he always did, understood my tone. 

  


“It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, hmm?” 

  


“Yes.”

  


“Does it feel alright?” I couldn’t believe that he was asking me such a question. Of course it felt alright- better than alright. Having his hands on my body was my favourite sensation in the entire world. Instead of answering him I pressed my body against his hand that was on my back, making sure he felt what I meant. Words sometimes were not enough for us. 

  


My body had always done more talking than my mouth did.

  


“Come in with me,” I nearly begged. 

  


“I have to get you clean first.” 

  


He continued to clean me from head to toe without missing a single spot on my body. I didn’t know then but the world had changed that morning. I was unaware of why he was doing this, all I knew was that I wanted him near me regardless of anything else. I wanted his body against mine to take away my worry. 

  


Later that day he took pleasure in taking me gently, touching the body that he’d cleaned so well. Bucky erased all of the bad and replaced it with all of the warmth and happiness that he had to give me. 

  


I loved that man, that side of him that no one else had ever seen. Instead of being the cruel boss that lead the ruthless army of his father's creation, he was the sweet man that was happy pouring water over me to erase the trails of soap that he’d put on minutes before. 

  


I loved the Bucky of yesterday.

  


-

  


I usually was not involved when it came to very important business deals. I was left at home- where it was safe- until Bucky returned to me. But that morning it was different. I had been dressed by Bucky and gotten into his car, he had driven to a place that I had no knowledge of. 

  


“It’s comfortable enough right?” Bucky asked and turned around in his seat to face me. I nodded quickly and he leaned forward, hands adjusting my shirt. 

  


I should have known that I wasn’t just there because it was only safe by his side: Bucky had put a bulletproof vest on me and not himself. 

  


“It’s fine Bucky. B-But why aren’t you wearing one?” 

  


He smiled softly and grabbed his gun out of its hiding place. I was worried even more by that point- he was not wearing any backup weapons. 

  


“I’m going to go deal with this now, okay? Sit in here and wait for me.” Something inside of me knew that the situation wasn’t right. He would not leave me like that, unarmed and unprotected. He moved to leave the car and I grabbed his arm, not wanting to let go. 

  


“Don’t. Don’t leave me here Bucky.”

  


“It’s okay baby. I promise it’ll be okay if you listen to me one last time.” 

  


My eyes widened in horror. 

  


“What do you mean ‘one last time’? Bucky?” Bucky leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. The kiss was just as perfect as every other time but there was something hidden behind it. 

  


I could not let him go.

  


“Please don’t go.” I knew that doing that to him was wrong but I was willing to do anything to get him to stay. There was something wrong and I couldn’t let him get into it. “Don't leave me Bucky.”

  


“Steve, you’re such a good person. Baby just do this for me and I promise everything will be alright.”

  


“You’re coming back, right? You’re going to come back to me right?” Even then I knew that such a question would’ve been impossible for him to answer. I was making things hard on him without even thinking about how much damage my words could’ve caused. 

  


“Just stay here for me, angel.” I sat there with tears in my eyes and watched my lover get out of the car and walk away from me. 

  


-

  


I, who had never went against an order from him, could not sit in the car and wait. I found myself running after him in order to make sure that everything was okay. When I found him I discovered that things were far from that. 

  


It was a horrible sight: multiple agents from Shield and members of Bucky’s team were sprawled out on the ground having lost their version of the fight. The gunshots had stopped but Bucky was still standing in the middle of the mess; all of the remaining Shield agents had abandoned his team and focused all of their guns on him. 

  


I knew that there was no way that he would win. Even if his team managed to strike some of them down he would not be able to win at such close range. Bucky would be overpowered for the last time, my lover would fall. I could not allow that. So again I went against Bucky’s orders and ran to his side. 

  


“Don’t do this Bucky. Run, please!” 

  


“You didn’t stay in the car.” I could hear the relief and the terror fighting for dominance in his voice. I knew that he would be mad at me later but I would be willing to take any sort of punishment as long as it meant that he was okay. 

  


“Please run now. You can outrun them Bucky. We can outrun them.”

  


“Steve Barnes!” An agent shouted. I was out of my mind with worry and did not give them any of my attention- it was all focused on Bucky. “You are not our target! Please step away and avoid getting hurt!” 

  


“Listen to them,” Bucky begged. I had never heard him sound like that, he had never begged anyone before and now that it was me he was doing such things for, I could barely stand it. “Go.”

  


“Use me as a shield. I’m a wearing the vest, see? I’ll be okay. Let’s just go!” His eyes never left his enemy but I could almost feel the tears that were threatening to spill. There was no getting out of it; we were cornered just like that. I knew in that moment that arresting him was not an option- it was a kill mission and nothing else. 

  


I wasn’t willing to let him go. 

  


I stood in front of him and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in his neck. His chest heaved and he wrapped his free arm around me. “Steve,” he moaned sadly. “Don’t do this. Just go, please.”

  


“No Bucky. Walk away with me- we can go.” 

  


He shook his head and pulled me off, making me stand behind him like he’d done so many times before. I did not want him to use himself to shield me; he’d already protected me so much. 

  


My angel was giving himself up for me and I couldn’t stand it. 

  


“Close your eyes,” he murmured and I wished that the morning wind would have taken his words away. I let the tears fall down my face as I shut my eyes tightly, a sob attacked my body instantly. “I love you Steve.” His arm raised and I knew that he was aiming, lining up his final shot. 

  


Bucky was not a horrible person. He was not what he was believed to be- he was not a vicious killer that held no remorse for his actions. He was not a menace to society, he was not evil. 

  


My Bucky was a good man. He would not hurt anyone without being forced to and would do anything to protect me. He was an angel standing in the darkness, a darkness so deep that his wings were not easily seen. Those very wings that I was hidden under were the thing that separated him from the monsters of his past. 

  


He was not like them. It was not his fault that he’d been forced to grow up in the way he did, it was not his fault that he had been given a task and it was not his fault that he had to do so many dark things. 

  


I felt the gun in his hand go off and heard one of the agents fall to the ground but I could not see. I was blind for him- doing what he wanted me to do. I stood there behind him with my eyes shut tightly so that I did not worry him. We’d done such things so many times before that it shouldn’t have been different. 

  


I knew that I was not allowed to wish for a tomorrow but I could not help myself. 

  


The guns of the enemy fired, their bullets flying everywhere. Bucky’s body suddenly stumbled and I struggled to keep him up. He would not fall. I would not allow his beautiful body to hit the uneven ground. But he, with the last of his strength, detached himself from me and crumbled to the ground. 

  


“Bucky!” I fell with him and found myself kneeling in a pool of his blood.

  


Crimson was all that I could see. It was coming out of everywhere that my eyes fell. There were too many wounds to press down on and not enough time. I failed him. I heard the bullets of his team’s guns attempting to get the people that had harmed their leader. 

  


They would be just as lost without him as I was. 

  


“Steve,” Bucky croaked my name and I looked at his face. Blood poured out of his mouth as he tried to speak, a silent tear slipping through the red trails. I couldn’t take seeing him like that. He was undeserving of such a fate and we both knew it. “Steve, baby, close your eyes.” 

  


I shook my head frantically as I tried to stop the blood from pouring out of his now fragile body. 

  


“There’s still time. Bucky please-”

  


“Close your eyes, you don’t want to see me like this.” Until the very end he wanted to protect me, keep my innocence intact. How was it fair of me to tell him that it was already long gone? He looked up at me and I saw it: his eyes were not the eyes of someone alive. He was going to leave me. “Close your eyes.”

  


A strangled gasp came from him and I knew that he was gone. 

  


I could not look away from him and I could not stop myself from desperately trying to cling onto his corpse. It was not him- it was not my Bucky. He would not leave me like that. I did the only thing that I could do: I grabbed his silver gun. 

  


The bulletproof vest that I was wearing was meant to protect me from the barrage of bullets that had ended up taking his life. It had been given to me to protect me from their ugly acts. It had not been made to protect me from his love letter.

  


Bucky’s last love letter to the world- the love letter left behind for me. 

  


I pressed the gun to my temple and heard the 

Shield agents shouting but did not hear their words. I couldn’t have cared less at that point. They were the ones that had done this to him. I did not need them to feel pity for me and I did not need their pointless words. 

  


It was not Bucky’s fault. It was the world that had destroyed any chance he had at being a normal man. I did not blame him and I never would. I loved him more than anyone, I lived for him, my innocent angel. He was not what they said he was; he was not a bad man. 

  


My Bucky was a victim and no one understood that.

  


I looked down at his body once more and tried my best to remember what he was like before; my lover full of life. I closed my eyes and saw him like I’d always said I would. He was smiling at me then and I loved him even more. 

  


“Keep your eyes closed.” That’s what I told him. “Keep your eyes closed.” That’s what he did. “Keep your eyes closed.” That’s what he promised. “You don’t want to see this.” That’s what I knew. 

  


The gun and the sniper, I had never fired a gun before. But it didn’t matter then. It only took one shot for me to understand why he had never taught me how to use one; it took strength to end a life, strength that I barely had. 

  


But for him I was the strongest man in the world.

  


_ “Keep your eyes closed, angel- and you never have to open them again.” _

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is [here](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/) and I'm always up for social interaction, so come visit!
> 
> Comments are so loved


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